Anger Management

Anger is a completely normal human emotion – and a powerful one. When allowed to boil over, it can seriously damage relationships and hurt your professional credibility. But when completely suppressed, anger can turn inward, causing high blood pressure, depression or passive-aggressive behaviour.

When you find yourself struggling with anger, or are the target of someone else’s wrath, there are a few coping strategies you can use to help defuse and deal with the situation in a healthy way.

1. Try to calm down inside
During a difficult conversation, make sure you breathe deeply and evenly, from the diaphragm. Picture your breath coming up from the very middle of your body. Talk to yourself, slowly repeating something like “relax, keep calm”. You can also close your eyes for a few seconds and visualise a relaxing image, something that calms you down or makes you happy. While you are speaking, slow down, don’t interrupt, and consider carefully what you are saying.

2. Remove yourself from the situation
If tensions are flaring, consider taking a break from the discussion and returning to it later when you’ve both calmed down. As time passes, you’ll become more objective and the problem will crystalise in your head.
3. Choose the right medium for delivering your message
When you’re full of anger, it can be tempting to fire off a harshly worded e-mail, or stride over to someone’s desk to berate them. However, take a moment to consider what might be the best course of action. Negative emotions should actually not be shared in e-mails: what would appear quite reasonable when expressed in person or on the phone can come across quite differently in a mail, and can be interpreted wrongly. So arrange a time to talk – face to face, if possible.

4. Try to see the other person’s perspective
If you find yourself angry at a specific person, or they’re targeting you with their anger, take a moment to put yourself in their position. Everyone has their own stress and pressure; perhaps this person is dealing with a tough deadline, is the victim of a demanding boss, or has a personal problem at home. When you’re able to see the other person as a fallible human being just trying to get through the work day like you are, it’s easier to calm down and find common ground on which to start resolving your issues.

5. Moderate your language
Listen carefully before you respond, and use phrases like, “I understand”, to show you are willing to see their point of view. Don’t use strong language or insults, and avoid words like “always” and “never”: they are probably inaccurate and will weaken your point. Another useful tip is the “mirroring technique”, where you repeat the other person’s words or phrases in what you are saying, not to annoy them further but to show you are really listening and that you understand them. Finally, don’t shift the blame for your anger on to them. Instead of saying, “You really annoy me when you …”, say, “I feel upset when you …”

6. Don’t take anger personally – and don’t fight back
If you’re being shouted at or treated rudely, try to remember: it isn’t really about you. You are not responsible for anyone else’s behaviour apart from your own, and you can’t control how they act. You can only control your response to their behaviour. If someone is lashing out at you, lashing back will only escalate the situation. Responding calmly, or not reacting at all and refusing to “feed” another person’s anger will cause it to burn out faster − just like depriving a fire of oxygen.

7. Know your “anger triggers” and find alternatives
Learn to recognise what makes you angry. It may be people, situations or tasks that cause your blood to boil – so figure out what they are, and figure out how to work around them with alternatives. For example, you may find that your daily commute to work leaves you frustrated and enraged in the morning before your day has even started. So explore different options – map a different route, drive rather than take public transport or vice versa. Or maybe you find yourself livid every time you have to prepare a certain report. Look for different, more efficient ways to get the task done, ask for help, or see if someone else is able or better suited to do it.

Finally, find healthy outlets for anger. Try vigorous exercise, or calming yoga or meditation routines. Allow yourself to release your frustration in a constructive way so that it doesn’t bottle up inside you – or explode in unhealthy ways.